Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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