I cannot find my penis.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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