Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just pee around me
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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