can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
kristin has been a bad kristin
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
