Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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