A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
