Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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