Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Randomize
