Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
