Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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