There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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