did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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