Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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