Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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