Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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