Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
