I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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