he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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