I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
