That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
