Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
