He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
