Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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