Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
