They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
