my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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