We named our party play list daddy issues
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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