I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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