I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
