I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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