im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
