How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
