You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
