An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
