Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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