My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
