the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
