I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
