You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
