Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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