Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
