You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
