Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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