I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Randomize
