I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
