she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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