Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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