Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
