There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
