consequently i now know what mace tastes like
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
