There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I deserve this hangover.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
