my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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