Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
