I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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