it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
