some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
