please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
