The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
