There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The struggles of a small town man whore
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
