You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
