i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
